Today we went to a get together at the home of a family from our Sunday school class. I LOVE my Sunday school class. If you don't love yours? You should come to mine. These people are FUNNY and godly and just awesome. I would go to Sunday school EVERY DAY if I could. So, seeing these people on a SATURDAY? AMAZING!
But I think the coolest part of the day, was spending time with other people's kids. See I have a 13 and 7 year old. BOYS. I occasionally get to hang out with my niece Kori who is 5. Every Wednesday (much to my joy and delight) I get 30 girls to hang out with, but other than that? Just my kids. All the time.
Now, don't get me wrong I love my kids. They are pretty spectacular, but every once in a while? It is FUN to be around littler kids. It is FUN to be around bigger kids. Just to throw something different in there.
Today I got to hang out with some families that have toddlers and OH WHAT A JOY it was. It has been a while since I had anyone talk in that just learning to put words together and explain things way. And these kids? They have some great parents who have raised them to be funny and respectful and just a little ornery. :0) Which happens to be my favorite combination of character traits.
One little boy was able to go out to the goat and chicken pen and check the hen house for eggs. If you could have seen him! All excited with his egg, cluched in 2 hands. He was so excited he was clutching it and shaking it around just a little. I don't know if we were more worried he would crack it in his tight grip or drop it while shaking it. I asked him if he wanted to show his mommy the egg and his face just lit up! Then he was skipping along with the egg squeezed tight in 2 hands BEHIND his back! All the adults were walking hands out around him, ready to catch him, catch the egg, or just be there to pick up the pieces.
He made it to the kitchen though, egg intact to present his discovery to his mom. She oohhed and ahhhed just like any mom would, and asked him if he would like her to cook this egg for his breakfast tomorrow. He was scandalized! "No Mommy. We cannot cook the chicken."
She tried to explain it was ok there was no chicken in this egg. To which he replied, "Then where to the chickens come from?"
It was so funny to see this mom, and most of the surrounding adults flummoxed! Because chickens DO come from eggs, but since there is no rooster? There was no baby chicken in THIS egg. But how on earth do you explain that to a 3 year old? She ultimately went for distraction and that worked. :0)
Another little girl who is right at the same age, and has Dwayne wrapped QUITE firmly around her little finger had us laughing at her antics as she tried to stay on a turtle shaped floaty.
It was such a great day. I can't wait to have more of them!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Four and a half months...
Losing my dad has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Well, no. I guess LOSING him was easy, living with the loss is the hard thing. It jumps out and surprises you. Like you are just walking along doing something and something reminds you of the person you miss.
Still, I am doing ok. My mom is doing ok. My kids are doing ok. We each have our sad times, but we are sticking together and making it through.
Tonight though, one of my Facebook friends had a post that made me stop and go to her timeline thingy and read back a few days. It appears that in all this new fangled technology that Facebook has blessed us with I had missed that her Dad passed away a few days ago. He had been sick with cancer for quite some time and she had been right there, doing her best to help him through.
But now he is gone and she is trying to pull together a funeral and put together a slide show and it just hasn't been easy. And I so know where she is right now. In those moments where adrenaline and the idea that you will do what needs to be done until you cannot possibly do anything else are the only thing getting you through. For me those days came before my dad passed. See, Daddy blessed us with the request that we not have a funeral. I know that sounds so odd! So contrary to what people do, but it was honestly the greatest gift. Because instead of running around planning this elaborate affair and making sure people knew and picking clothes to wear and flowers and music and someone to speak? We were asked to come together and just remember him, laugh, eat, and love on each other. Mostly it was just my family, but there were some friends who came by too. The real friends. The ones who you don't have to talk to for months and months, but when push comes to shove they stand by your side and love you in your mess.
So, for me it was before Dad died. Night after night at the hospital, caring for him. After there was so little to do I kept looking for something. And when there was nothing that really needed doing I laid down on the floor in the living room in front of the fire and fell asleep. I pray my friend can get through tomorrow and have that moment. You need the rest. You need to just shut your brain off and pretend it is going to be ok. Just for a moment.
Praying for her has brought back a bit of my sad. Not so much for me, not really even because of my dad. More just a sympathy that says I know where you are, and it stinks. I know where you will be for a while... It stinks too. And since I am not close? I pray and send hugs that I hope reach her telepathically. But I rest in the knowledge that even if MY hugs don't reach her? My Daddy God has arms wide enough and strong enough to hold her up.
Still, I am doing ok. My mom is doing ok. My kids are doing ok. We each have our sad times, but we are sticking together and making it through.
Tonight though, one of my Facebook friends had a post that made me stop and go to her timeline thingy and read back a few days. It appears that in all this new fangled technology that Facebook has blessed us with I had missed that her Dad passed away a few days ago. He had been sick with cancer for quite some time and she had been right there, doing her best to help him through.
But now he is gone and she is trying to pull together a funeral and put together a slide show and it just hasn't been easy. And I so know where she is right now. In those moments where adrenaline and the idea that you will do what needs to be done until you cannot possibly do anything else are the only thing getting you through. For me those days came before my dad passed. See, Daddy blessed us with the request that we not have a funeral. I know that sounds so odd! So contrary to what people do, but it was honestly the greatest gift. Because instead of running around planning this elaborate affair and making sure people knew and picking clothes to wear and flowers and music and someone to speak? We were asked to come together and just remember him, laugh, eat, and love on each other. Mostly it was just my family, but there were some friends who came by too. The real friends. The ones who you don't have to talk to for months and months, but when push comes to shove they stand by your side and love you in your mess.
So, for me it was before Dad died. Night after night at the hospital, caring for him. After there was so little to do I kept looking for something. And when there was nothing that really needed doing I laid down on the floor in the living room in front of the fire and fell asleep. I pray my friend can get through tomorrow and have that moment. You need the rest. You need to just shut your brain off and pretend it is going to be ok. Just for a moment.
Praying for her has brought back a bit of my sad. Not so much for me, not really even because of my dad. More just a sympathy that says I know where you are, and it stinks. I know where you will be for a while... It stinks too. And since I am not close? I pray and send hugs that I hope reach her telepathically. But I rest in the knowledge that even if MY hugs don't reach her? My Daddy God has arms wide enough and strong enough to hold her up.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
And so ends another year...
Tonight was our AWANA awards ceremony. Every year I reach this point, a little sad, a little relieved, and a lot exhausted. I don't know why, I LOVE leading the T & T girls. I love the work I do, I love teaching, I wouldn't trade the memories for anything. But like a public school kid I am READY for summer. Ready for a break.
This is the first year I am not teaching VBS. I decided not to last year. The day before it started. Because I was wiped out. Finishing a homeschool year, working, planning a huge family vacation, teaching AWANA and handling the stuff I handle because Dwayne works so much had just worn me out. At our last church VBS was a little later in the summer, and the work days were more spread out so it didn't seem quite as hard. Eventhough I taught Sunday school and did AWANA there too... I don't know fully why it has been different, I just know it has. Last year at this time I was sick, this year at this time I am sick. I think my body is so busy getting all the things done that need doing it just doesn't have what it needs to fight off the cold and stuffy nose of allergy season. So, last year? Feeling exhasuted, burned out and not at ALL ready to say Yea-yea-yea-yea-YES to VBS? I decided not to do it this year.
I told other people. I made myself accountable to say NO. Because I know full well how much I hate saying no. I mean really, isn't YES so much easier to say? Not easier to DO, but much easier to say. Yes makes people happy. Happy people like you. And I like very much being liked. But I just felt that God was telling me where I needed to be and it wasn't VBS. Not this year. Maybe not last year either.
So, I stuck to my guns in the most cowardly way possible. I didn't say ANYTHING. I didn't say YES, but I didn't say NO either. But, the problem was? No one asked me anything. No one said, "so are you looking forward to VBS?" or "are you going to the VBS convention?" Nothing, so I got to keep saying no to just me. Then Tyler, my sweet and wonderful oldest son started talking about helping in VBS. And of course Colby would GO to VBS... And I started feeling all resigned to just say, well... You know... Not no.
I mean I was going to have to be up there early to get Tyler there, and I was going to have to wait with Colby until it was time for it to start, and then I was going to have to be back up there to pick them up a few hours later... Might as well just help right?
But God has a way of getting you to do what HE wants. He had told me to say no. I had heard it, but He knows my heart. He knows how much I like to say yes and make people happy so they like me. So, after my dad died when Mom was planning a week at the beach for our whole family, my brain was so frazzled I didn't say anything about what dates would work best for us. And her brain was so frazzled she didn't ask. It ended up that our week at the beach? The trip my dad asked us to take together? It is the week of VBS. So I get to choose, say yes and maybe have the Children's pastor like me a little better (and I am pretty sure he likes me anyway since he is a sweet friend) and not do what my daddy asked, or do what my dad asked us to do, take my kids to the beach, enjoy my family, rest and relax, and say no.
So I said no. And I haven't budged. Even though Tyler is a little mad that he doesn't get to help, even though Colby will miss VBS, even though I love the kids, I said no.
Tonight? Well there is no amazing lesson. No incredible discovery. But I felt like maybe I needed to record this and remember the one time I did it. Because I don't know that I will be brave enough to do it next time! :0) And well, maybe you need to say no to something? Something you love even? And this way you can know, it isn't just hard for you. We all deal with those guilt feelings. The thing is though, we cannot be all things to all people, we have to pick and choose. For me this time the choice was clear, it isn't always. That makes it harder. You just have to stop every once in a while and look around. Are you saying yes to the things that really matter? Are you saying yes where God WANTS you to say yes? Or are you saying yes because you always do, and maybe on accident getting your priorities off track? I swear sometimes I feel like I am just muddling through this whole life thing. Someday it gets easier right? I sure hope so!
This is the first year I am not teaching VBS. I decided not to last year. The day before it started. Because I was wiped out. Finishing a homeschool year, working, planning a huge family vacation, teaching AWANA and handling the stuff I handle because Dwayne works so much had just worn me out. At our last church VBS was a little later in the summer, and the work days were more spread out so it didn't seem quite as hard. Eventhough I taught Sunday school and did AWANA there too... I don't know fully why it has been different, I just know it has. Last year at this time I was sick, this year at this time I am sick. I think my body is so busy getting all the things done that need doing it just doesn't have what it needs to fight off the cold and stuffy nose of allergy season. So, last year? Feeling exhasuted, burned out and not at ALL ready to say Yea-yea-yea-yea-YES to VBS? I decided not to do it this year.
I told other people. I made myself accountable to say NO. Because I know full well how much I hate saying no. I mean really, isn't YES so much easier to say? Not easier to DO, but much easier to say. Yes makes people happy. Happy people like you. And I like very much being liked. But I just felt that God was telling me where I needed to be and it wasn't VBS. Not this year. Maybe not last year either.
So, I stuck to my guns in the most cowardly way possible. I didn't say ANYTHING. I didn't say YES, but I didn't say NO either. But, the problem was? No one asked me anything. No one said, "so are you looking forward to VBS?" or "are you going to the VBS convention?" Nothing, so I got to keep saying no to just me. Then Tyler, my sweet and wonderful oldest son started talking about helping in VBS. And of course Colby would GO to VBS... And I started feeling all resigned to just say, well... You know... Not no.
I mean I was going to have to be up there early to get Tyler there, and I was going to have to wait with Colby until it was time for it to start, and then I was going to have to be back up there to pick them up a few hours later... Might as well just help right?
But God has a way of getting you to do what HE wants. He had told me to say no. I had heard it, but He knows my heart. He knows how much I like to say yes and make people happy so they like me. So, after my dad died when Mom was planning a week at the beach for our whole family, my brain was so frazzled I didn't say anything about what dates would work best for us. And her brain was so frazzled she didn't ask. It ended up that our week at the beach? The trip my dad asked us to take together? It is the week of VBS. So I get to choose, say yes and maybe have the Children's pastor like me a little better (and I am pretty sure he likes me anyway since he is a sweet friend) and not do what my daddy asked, or do what my dad asked us to do, take my kids to the beach, enjoy my family, rest and relax, and say no.
So I said no. And I haven't budged. Even though Tyler is a little mad that he doesn't get to help, even though Colby will miss VBS, even though I love the kids, I said no.
Tonight? Well there is no amazing lesson. No incredible discovery. But I felt like maybe I needed to record this and remember the one time I did it. Because I don't know that I will be brave enough to do it next time! :0) And well, maybe you need to say no to something? Something you love even? And this way you can know, it isn't just hard for you. We all deal with those guilt feelings. The thing is though, we cannot be all things to all people, we have to pick and choose. For me this time the choice was clear, it isn't always. That makes it harder. You just have to stop every once in a while and look around. Are you saying yes to the things that really matter? Are you saying yes where God WANTS you to say yes? Or are you saying yes because you always do, and maybe on accident getting your priorities off track? I swear sometimes I feel like I am just muddling through this whole life thing. Someday it gets easier right? I sure hope so!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Riding in the car with children...
Every Wednesday my niece Kori goes to AWANA with us. We pick her up from preschool, have dinner together and then everyone goes off for their class time. She is 5 years old and has been such a blessing to me, the mom of boys. She is a bit of a tomboy, but she has that diva princess thing down pat! My whole family loves having her with us as much as her parents will let us have her. But, she and Colby? Well they are as close as close can be, but they fight like brother and sister. They share secrets, they share dreams of adventure, but they won't take any crap from the other. It makes me laugh, it makes my mom crazy. She thinks they are mean to each other, but I know exactly how much love is behind that bossing or fussing. They are free to be themselves with each other because the love and friendship is unconditional.
Last night Cole and Kori rode with me to take Kori home after AWANA and Tyler rode with Dwayne to go to our house. When Colby saw Dwayne turn the other way out of the parking lot he asked if he could call his dad on my phone. I said no, but the following conversation took place behind me.
Kori: How are you going to call him? Do you know his number?
Colby: No. My mom has him in her contacts. You just push his picture. Show her mom. (I held up the phone and showed Dwayne's picture with Mr Incredible)
Colby: Did you know when I was your age I was afraid of Mr. Incredible? (You can read that story HERE)
Kori: Why? He's a good guy!
Colby: Well he's REALLY big! Like 7 feet tall.
Kori: So he is as tall as God?
Colby: No, the Lord is like FIFTY feet tall.
Kori: WOW! God is almost as tall as BIGFOOT!
Colby: How tall is Bigfoot?
Kori: Fifteen feet. You know someday I am going to go into the forest and get a picture of Bigfoot.
Colby: Ok. YOU get a picture of Bigfoot and I will get a picture of the AB-dominal (you know the monster named after your tummy muscle? LOL!) Snowman.
Kori: He doesn't live in the forest.
Colby: No, he lives in the Himalayas.
Kori: Ok. You can go there. I am going to go into the forest and find Bigfoot. And if I CAN'T find him? I am going to turn someone into Bigfoot so I can take THEIR picture.
Colby: How do you turn someone in to a Bigfoot???
Kori: Well you just get some brown. And you put it all over them. But not their face and hands. The face and hands are orange. (I am imagining her with a marker and some unsuspecting camper, probably her father getting colored up)
Colby: ORANGE?? (giggling) Orange would look funny.
Kori: Yeah (giggling too) That is funny. But it's just KIND of orange.
Colby: You know what would be funny? PURPLE! (at this point they are cracking up!)
Kori: Purple is AMAZING! That would be great! What about PINK! (More laughter ensues)
At this point we are turning on to Kori's street and I see her Dad walking out the front door, but I don't want to stop! I want to keep driving. I want to circle around and hear some more. I could have missed it. I could have been on the phone or listening to music, tuning them out, but I am so glad I didn't. Kids are FUNNY! And if you don't listen you might miss it!
Last night Cole and Kori rode with me to take Kori home after AWANA and Tyler rode with Dwayne to go to our house. When Colby saw Dwayne turn the other way out of the parking lot he asked if he could call his dad on my phone. I said no, but the following conversation took place behind me.
Kori: How are you going to call him? Do you know his number?
Colby: No. My mom has him in her contacts. You just push his picture. Show her mom. (I held up the phone and showed Dwayne's picture with Mr Incredible)
Colby: Did you know when I was your age I was afraid of Mr. Incredible? (You can read that story HERE)
Kori: Why? He's a good guy!
Colby: Well he's REALLY big! Like 7 feet tall.
Kori: So he is as tall as God?
Colby: No, the Lord is like FIFTY feet tall.
Kori: WOW! God is almost as tall as BIGFOOT!
Colby: How tall is Bigfoot?
Kori: Fifteen feet. You know someday I am going to go into the forest and get a picture of Bigfoot.
Colby: Ok. YOU get a picture of Bigfoot and I will get a picture of the AB-dominal (you know the monster named after your tummy muscle? LOL!) Snowman.
Kori: He doesn't live in the forest.
Colby: No, he lives in the Himalayas.
Kori: Ok. You can go there. I am going to go into the forest and find Bigfoot. And if I CAN'T find him? I am going to turn someone into Bigfoot so I can take THEIR picture.
Colby: How do you turn someone in to a Bigfoot???
Kori: Well you just get some brown. And you put it all over them. But not their face and hands. The face and hands are orange. (I am imagining her with a marker and some unsuspecting camper, probably her father getting colored up)
Colby: ORANGE?? (giggling) Orange would look funny.
Kori: Yeah (giggling too) That is funny. But it's just KIND of orange.
Colby: You know what would be funny? PURPLE! (at this point they are cracking up!)
Kori: Purple is AMAZING! That would be great! What about PINK! (More laughter ensues)
At this point we are turning on to Kori's street and I see her Dad walking out the front door, but I don't want to stop! I want to keep driving. I want to circle around and hear some more. I could have missed it. I could have been on the phone or listening to music, tuning them out, but I am so glad I didn't. Kids are FUNNY! And if you don't listen you might miss it!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Looking out...
I recently posted about how my journey with anti-depressants had been going. I have to say there have been some more improvements. It is easier to choose joy, to see the good, to control my temper...
I have caught myself noticing the good around me. I didn't even know I was missing it before! Like did you know? My husband is pretty amazing. He is consistently putting up with my crazy, making me laugh, helping me grow, supporting me in everything I do. He texts me pretty regularly that he loves me or that he thinks I am beautiful. I had forgotten to notice how special that is.
My kids... They are STINKIN' FUNNY!! All the time! They make me laugh every day, they make me proud just as often. My favorite thing I have noticed? How often these 2 boys hug each other and say I love you to each other. They fight like CRAZY and annoy each other to no end, but 5 minutes later all is forgotten and they are hugging for no reason.
My mom... Turns out? Those things she was expecting of me? Weren't all that impossible! I just had no idea how low I was. How many things had been put off or not done well because I was apparently quite depressed. And now that I realize this? Her support through these times has meant a lot.
Now I am noticing things I have been doing I need to change. Behaviors I didn't realize I had. Like I had pulled away from having friendships a bit. I thought a little it was everyone else, but it turns out I have been so overwhelmed I didn't even realize I wasn't being the friend I needed to be. I have been distancing myself from people unintentionally. Not because I don't talk to them, or enjoy them... I don't know how to change this yet. These are some bad habits to have, but I am working on it.
Today I filled out a card to help in some new areas of my church. I think maybe I need something a little different. I will still do the AWANA thing until God shows me He wants me to do something else because I love those girls, but I am also going to try out serving in the nursery one weekend a month and see if I can help in youth over the summer while AWANA is off. I have added ALL the events from the bulletin that would be of interest to my family in my calendar and we are doing it.
I am signing my kids up for a weekly class for next year as well as returning to the monthly museum classes. And we are going to get out a bit more. Maybe I can stretch myself a little and keep moving forward...
I have caught myself noticing the good around me. I didn't even know I was missing it before! Like did you know? My husband is pretty amazing. He is consistently putting up with my crazy, making me laugh, helping me grow, supporting me in everything I do. He texts me pretty regularly that he loves me or that he thinks I am beautiful. I had forgotten to notice how special that is.
My kids... They are STINKIN' FUNNY!! All the time! They make me laugh every day, they make me proud just as often. My favorite thing I have noticed? How often these 2 boys hug each other and say I love you to each other. They fight like CRAZY and annoy each other to no end, but 5 minutes later all is forgotten and they are hugging for no reason.
My mom... Turns out? Those things she was expecting of me? Weren't all that impossible! I just had no idea how low I was. How many things had been put off or not done well because I was apparently quite depressed. And now that I realize this? Her support through these times has meant a lot.
Now I am noticing things I have been doing I need to change. Behaviors I didn't realize I had. Like I had pulled away from having friendships a bit. I thought a little it was everyone else, but it turns out I have been so overwhelmed I didn't even realize I wasn't being the friend I needed to be. I have been distancing myself from people unintentionally. Not because I don't talk to them, or enjoy them... I don't know how to change this yet. These are some bad habits to have, but I am working on it.
Today I filled out a card to help in some new areas of my church. I think maybe I need something a little different. I will still do the AWANA thing until God shows me He wants me to do something else because I love those girls, but I am also going to try out serving in the nursery one weekend a month and see if I can help in youth over the summer while AWANA is off. I have added ALL the events from the bulletin that would be of interest to my family in my calendar and we are doing it.
I am signing my kids up for a weekly class for next year as well as returning to the monthly museum classes. And we are going to get out a bit more. Maybe I can stretch myself a little and keep moving forward...
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
How about a little grace?
Today my Tyler had a teenage thing. Nothing life ending, but he wasn't living up to our standards and beliefs. Again. We had a repeat of a problem that we had before, and I just felt a little lost. I mean really, what the HECK am I supposed to do? I have talked, I have yelled, I have cried, I have grounded... What on earth is left???
So we talked. And he talked. And my mom instincts said take everything away for the rest of his life or until he moves out. Whichever came first... And the way I was feeling, it might be death before adulthood.
Then we reached the point in our conversation where he had nothing left to say, and I had nothing left to say and I was ready for him to leave my room. But he didn't leave and that left me sitting staring into space wondering how to do this differently. Because the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.
Here is what God gave me... I have done MANY things wrong. I have done MANY things that I am ashamed of. Horribly ashamed. But I cannot go back and undo them. After people found out what I had done I was punished by losing privileges, or worse relationships. Apologizing didn't fix it, living right didn't fix it, nothing fixed it. I was left dealing with the consequences, feeling remorse and never knowing earthly forgiveness. The end result was I began to feel bitter toward the people I had wronged. I knew I had done a terrible thing, but I needed forgiveness and in the face of constant judgement I saw my heart turning in a way that wasn't pretty.
But God? He forgave me. Absolutely forgave. Fully and completely forgave and forgot. If I take it to Him now? He has no idea what I am talking about. I remind Him and I think maybe after all these years He is sitting in Heaven saying to Jesus "Why does she keep talking about this??? It is over and done! I forget and she feels the need to remind me!" He has to be frustrated!
The result of His grace and mercy is that I draw nearer to Him. I rely on Him. I trust Him with the big things and the little things.
I decided today to give my son some grace. He was lying on my bed, crying and feeling horrible and I just said, "Ok. We are going to try something different today. We are going to try grace."
The crying stopped and he asked what I meant. "Grace. Like God gives me, every day. You are completely forgiven, there are no consequences, I love you and I hope you make better choices from this point on."
Let me tell you, if the crying was big and sincere before? It was more once he heard that. He just fully broke down. And then he asked, "Mom is this what God told you to do?" I nodded and he said, "When you said it I just felt forgiven. I heard God saying in my heart that He loves me and that YOU love me." I told him that was exactly right. I DO love him. I can't ever stop. Neither can God. We won't give up on him.
I don't know if this will change anything. I don't know if this is the "right" thing to do, but it was what God laid in front of me to do. And I have to trust that He knows my son's heart better than I do.
I have said it before, and I am sure I will say it again, this parenting teenagers thing is HARD. Super hard, but I wouldn't trade these moments with my sons for anything. The sweet times are so much greater than the bitter.
So we talked. And he talked. And my mom instincts said take everything away for the rest of his life or until he moves out. Whichever came first... And the way I was feeling, it might be death before adulthood.
Then we reached the point in our conversation where he had nothing left to say, and I had nothing left to say and I was ready for him to leave my room. But he didn't leave and that left me sitting staring into space wondering how to do this differently. Because the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.
Here is what God gave me... I have done MANY things wrong. I have done MANY things that I am ashamed of. Horribly ashamed. But I cannot go back and undo them. After people found out what I had done I was punished by losing privileges, or worse relationships. Apologizing didn't fix it, living right didn't fix it, nothing fixed it. I was left dealing with the consequences, feeling remorse and never knowing earthly forgiveness. The end result was I began to feel bitter toward the people I had wronged. I knew I had done a terrible thing, but I needed forgiveness and in the face of constant judgement I saw my heart turning in a way that wasn't pretty.
But God? He forgave me. Absolutely forgave. Fully and completely forgave and forgot. If I take it to Him now? He has no idea what I am talking about. I remind Him and I think maybe after all these years He is sitting in Heaven saying to Jesus "Why does she keep talking about this??? It is over and done! I forget and she feels the need to remind me!" He has to be frustrated!
The result of His grace and mercy is that I draw nearer to Him. I rely on Him. I trust Him with the big things and the little things.
I decided today to give my son some grace. He was lying on my bed, crying and feeling horrible and I just said, "Ok. We are going to try something different today. We are going to try grace."
The crying stopped and he asked what I meant. "Grace. Like God gives me, every day. You are completely forgiven, there are no consequences, I love you and I hope you make better choices from this point on."
Let me tell you, if the crying was big and sincere before? It was more once he heard that. He just fully broke down. And then he asked, "Mom is this what God told you to do?" I nodded and he said, "When you said it I just felt forgiven. I heard God saying in my heart that He loves me and that YOU love me." I told him that was exactly right. I DO love him. I can't ever stop. Neither can God. We won't give up on him.
I don't know if this will change anything. I don't know if this is the "right" thing to do, but it was what God laid in front of me to do. And I have to trust that He knows my son's heart better than I do.
I have said it before, and I am sure I will say it again, this parenting teenagers thing is HARD. Super hard, but I wouldn't trade these moments with my sons for anything. The sweet times are so much greater than the bitter.
Friday, April 27, 2012
A month later...
Since I am pretty much all about honest introspection and oversharing I had to write this post today.
It has been almost exactly a month since my last post and quite a bit has changed. A month ago I was feeling extremely low, I was overwhelmed with just not caring. I wasn't just sad. I was in despair. Full of anguish. I am taking a Beth Moore class on the book of James and she talked about in a lesson I heard that anguish is not just sadness it is a full mental distress. She gives these examples:
When I heard her say that I just though at the time it so aptly described what I was going through. But even then I was seeing things through the eyes of someone coming away from that.
See about 3 months ago I was trying so hard to hold it all together, keep the pain of losing my dad in that it was causing me physical anxiety. It got to the point that when I went to the doctor for something completely different I ended up leaving with Xanax and blood pressure medicine. Now I am not a drug girl. We deal with pretty much every addiction under the sun somewhere in my family, and so I am pretty cautious about how many pills I take. But since I felt stretched so tight I thought if someone patted my shoulder I might shatter. So I took the pill at night for about 2 weeks. I have to tell you it helped, but it was along way from fixing what was going on. It really just allowed me to breathe again.
Then a little over a month ago I was sitting not doing anything really when I realized it had been 3 days since I had showered. I am a compulsive every day shower girl. I feel ICKY if I don't shower ever day. But that day? I really didn't care. I mean I wasn't GOING anywhere, no one but my family could see me... Did it matter? And when THAT thought came out? I realized this was not going away and it was pretty bad. I started looking around and realized I wasn't on top of my job like I like to be, my housework was not getting done, my children were not being loved on, and I needed to get drastic and change the direction I was headed.
I went back to the doctor and was honest. She talked to me a while, but more than that she LISTENED and put me on Pristiq, an anti depressant. I did not have high hopes. I had taken anti depressants for post partum after Tyler was born and honestly, they seemed like they were so subjective! I would take them for 3 weeks the doctor would ask how I felt, I wouldn't really be seeing a difference, so he would up them. Or switch to something different. I didn't even really understand what the doctor was expecting me to feel so how could I possibly answer the question?
A week into Pristiq I felt completely different. I didn't care yet, but the world felt lighter. I can't explain it better than that. I just felt like while I still carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, someone had inflated it with helium. 2 weeks later I started doing things like putting on make up when I was just staying home, remembering to wear jewelry places, and caring if my room was clean...
Now, I am not saying this is a wonder drug that will work for everyone. However in the spirit of honesty and openness I have to tell you it worked for me. Because for me? I haven't felt like this in so long I don't remember EVER feeling like this. I smile more, I yell less, I do things I didn't realize I had slowly given up doing, I feel BETTER. So if you are depressed? If you maybe are taking medicine and it isn't working? Try something new. Don't give up. If you aren't taking medication because maybe this is how you just ARE? Go talk to your doctor.
God tells up to CHOOSE Joy. And He would not tell us to do something if it were impossible for some of us. We have to be capable of really choosing it, not of just putting a fake face on it. If you can't? You might need some help. Much love bloggy buddies. Praying joy for each of you this minute!
It has been almost exactly a month since my last post and quite a bit has changed. A month ago I was feeling extremely low, I was overwhelmed with just not caring. I wasn't just sad. I was in despair. Full of anguish. I am taking a Beth Moore class on the book of James and she talked about in a lesson I heard that anguish is not just sadness it is a full mental distress. She gives these examples:
Pain + Anxiety = Anguish
Suffering + Dread = Anguish
Hurt + Harrassment = Anguish
See about 3 months ago I was trying so hard to hold it all together, keep the pain of losing my dad in that it was causing me physical anxiety. It got to the point that when I went to the doctor for something completely different I ended up leaving with Xanax and blood pressure medicine. Now I am not a drug girl. We deal with pretty much every addiction under the sun somewhere in my family, and so I am pretty cautious about how many pills I take. But since I felt stretched so tight I thought if someone patted my shoulder I might shatter. So I took the pill at night for about 2 weeks. I have to tell you it helped, but it was along way from fixing what was going on. It really just allowed me to breathe again.
Then a little over a month ago I was sitting not doing anything really when I realized it had been 3 days since I had showered. I am a compulsive every day shower girl. I feel ICKY if I don't shower ever day. But that day? I really didn't care. I mean I wasn't GOING anywhere, no one but my family could see me... Did it matter? And when THAT thought came out? I realized this was not going away and it was pretty bad. I started looking around and realized I wasn't on top of my job like I like to be, my housework was not getting done, my children were not being loved on, and I needed to get drastic and change the direction I was headed.
I went back to the doctor and was honest. She talked to me a while, but more than that she LISTENED and put me on Pristiq, an anti depressant. I did not have high hopes. I had taken anti depressants for post partum after Tyler was born and honestly, they seemed like they were so subjective! I would take them for 3 weeks the doctor would ask how I felt, I wouldn't really be seeing a difference, so he would up them. Or switch to something different. I didn't even really understand what the doctor was expecting me to feel so how could I possibly answer the question?
A week into Pristiq I felt completely different. I didn't care yet, but the world felt lighter. I can't explain it better than that. I just felt like while I still carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, someone had inflated it with helium. 2 weeks later I started doing things like putting on make up when I was just staying home, remembering to wear jewelry places, and caring if my room was clean...
Now, I am not saying this is a wonder drug that will work for everyone. However in the spirit of honesty and openness I have to tell you it worked for me. Because for me? I haven't felt like this in so long I don't remember EVER feeling like this. I smile more, I yell less, I do things I didn't realize I had slowly given up doing, I feel BETTER. So if you are depressed? If you maybe are taking medicine and it isn't working? Try something new. Don't give up. If you aren't taking medication because maybe this is how you just ARE? Go talk to your doctor.
God tells up to CHOOSE Joy. And He would not tell us to do something if it were impossible for some of us. We have to be capable of really choosing it, not of just putting a fake face on it. If you can't? You might need some help. Much love bloggy buddies. Praying joy for each of you this minute!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
